So why am I single?

One of the first questions I get when I meet a new guy is "So why are you still single?"

Ugh.

Well, the short answer is this: Because I choose to be.

If you want a more detailed explanation, here it is:

Relationships are a pain in the ass. Ask anyone who is in one or used to be. I've been in enough of them to know. I have dealt with liars, cheaters (on me and with me), drug abusers, misogynists, "friends with benefits", you name it.

Part of my problem is that I hate labels. I hate the idea of being limited to categorizing someone as a boyfriend or "this guy I'm dating" and, other than husband or fiance, that's about all there is. Well, there is also sugar daddy and significant other but a Sugar Daddy is a whole 'nother category and 'significant other' is just another term for boyfriend.

I've tried to come up with new phrases to use for myself, like "options" or "boyfriend potential" but they never quite caught on. Whatever happened to words like suitor and courting?

I do have men in my life that I am in various stages of relationships with. There are men that I have just chatted online with, there are men that I have talked to on the phone, there are men that I have gone out with or hung out with a few times, and there are men with whom I have sex. (Gasp!)

The problem with admitting that there is more than one mine in my life is that, whenever a woman admits this, she is labeled a slut. (See also: double standards.) So am I a slut if I go three months without having sex? Am I a slut if I am seeing a few men but only having sex with one? (See also: fu*k buddy.)

And why do I even 'need' a man? The question of "why are you single?" seems to imply that being (technically) single means I am somehow defective, like it is so difficult to believe that a woman with so many good qualities would be without a "significant other" unless there was something wrong with her.

Hey, I'm a great catch. There is no hidden flaw or irregularity that makes me certifiably un-date-able or unattachable. Contrary to popular opinion, a woman is not somehow incomplete without a man. In fact, I feel more whole without one because there is no one around to drain my energy, put a dent in my self-esteem, or take even the slightest piece of my heart from me. No one is taking anything away from me anymore.

See, one of those good qualities I do possess is intelligence. I'm one smart cookie. Its always one of the most common words people will use to describe me. And because I am an intelligent woman, I choose not to be in an exclusive relationship. Between my own experiences and my observations of others in my life, I've decided that it is not something I want in my life right now and that I am perfectly content with what I do have when it comes to the opposite sex.

I could give you quite a few examples of people who are with someone just to avoid being alone because they don't feel validated unless they have someone, because they can't afford to support their kids on one income, or they're with them out of habit or convenience or fear or low self-esteem or any one of about 700 other reasons other than the right ones.

I could give you examples of people who are not with the person they love because of nonsensical reasons, because they aren't of a certain gender, race, religion, age range, geographical location or social or economic class, because they've run into some obstacles such as money or physical illness or addictions or other barriers which would most likely be just temporary if they made enough effort to overcome them but, for whatever reason, they decide it's easier to run away and leave than to confront the issues and work through them.

I'm sure a lot of us know of quite a few people who are lying to their boyfriends and girlfriends or husbands and wives, cheating on them, lying to other people about them, badmouthing them, lying about their feelings for them either to them or to other people, saying that they love them when they don't or saying they don't love them when they do.

There's just too much deception involved in a majority of relationshsips and I value honesty.

So are you getting my point? No, I am not cynical or jaded, I do not hate men and I am not anti-relationship. I'm just not buying into the theory that people in relationships are somehow "better" and happier and more important or more complete or more special or more anything. All of us are surrounded by too many couples that are living proof that this just isn't true.

I just choose to be wise and selective about dedicating my time, energy, devotion, loyalty and body to just one person. I am living my life on my terms. I don't want any one person to feel some sense of entitlement when it comes to what I'm doing with my time. I have enough self-respect that I know not to settle for less than I deserve, enough self-esteem to know that I deserve a good man, and enough self-awareness to know that at this point in my life, an exclusive relationship is just not something I want or need.

But that could change at any moment.